Swimming in Tar

In my previous post, I mentioned getting out of Purgatory. I have slowly begun the process of trying to assimilate what I have experienced, learned, and how I have changed. However, it is tedious. I believe for the last 3 months that my mind has been on auto-nod. I do what has to be done and try to get out. No really creative thot processes in my head. Formulating a unique idea was, and to some degree still is, like swimming in tar. I have endured emotions of fear, great anxiety (may be a redundancy there), paralysis, hopelessness.

As I think of the people I have been working with, I am overwhelmed with grief and anguish as I see the choices and decisions they make. I have stayed fairly clean of the idea that I am responsible for their personal lives. I do hope that I have been a point of encouragement and a signpost towards the Living Christ.

Romans 5:3-5 says: "And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

My current position is indeed a tribulating place. I believe I have persevered (as I am still here and still w/the same company). I'm not sure if my character is proven, or what it has proven to be. As to hope? Hope in what? A change in circumstances? Getting it. Hope in God? Can one hope in Him with and open-ended "result"?

I have hoped. I am hoping. Circumstances are changing. Not totally to my desire, but given the choice between Purgatory and a nomadic vocation, I'll take wandering.

Off to 8 of my last 24 hours of suffering. :-)

KJ